


we're all in our private traps (i was born in mine)

by soundingawkward



Category: Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mentions of HIV, mild homophobia, response fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soundingawkward/pseuds/soundingawkward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"they were so beautiful and strong and," nick says when it's silent, whispering the words into the dark, "full of dignity and treated with respect and everyone kept telling me it's okay."</p><p>(or the one that is kind of in response to nick visiting body and soul.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're all in our private traps (i was born in mine)

**Author's Note:**

> for nancy (fearlesslarry)
> 
> i think i need to say this at the end. (unbeta'd.)

  
ian's ordered nick's favourite takeout and it's being kept warm in the oven when nick gets home. he looks exhausted, the stoop of his shoulders and dark circles under his eyes. ian slips his hands under nick's coat, tugs him close and holds him tight when he all but collapses into ian, face buried in ian's neck. they stay there for long, quiet moments, the kitchen clock ticking loudly until ian ushers nick along with a kiss to get changed out of his damp clothes into something warm and comfortable.

 

they eat the takeout in mostly silence, curled up on the couch together, the dull roar of crappy television on in the background. nick doesn't finish all of his, rests it on the coffee table and lays awkwardly all over ian, face tucked into ian's side and resting against the crook of ian's elbow. they don't talk and nick's fingers loop around ian's wrist when ian tries to get up to clean the dishes and put the rubbish in the bin.

 

ian stays.

 

nick presses his palms against ian's, locking their fingers together and stares at them, where they're entwined and pushes closer, like he's trying to get inside ian's skin, like it's safest there. ian holds on, because it feels like he needs to, holds on until his fingers are cramping and there's more pins and needles, until nick's breathing evens out and calms down. "i'm here," he whispers into the unruly mess atop nick's head, planting kisses to his forehead like he's trying to make the words stay there, "i'm right here. i've got you,"

 

and, he knows nick understands because nick grips on tighter, squirming closer, trying to be all up in ian's space as possible, and that's okay. that's something that will always be okay. they lay there, tangled together, until ian's eyes are slipping closed and the clock ticks on and nick groans as he shifts his back. slowly, with persuasion from soft, sweet kisses, ian gathers nick up and takes him back to bed, helps tuck him in and curls up next to him, lets nick pull him close by the hips and hang on.

 

the fingers in his sides are a little tight, like nick doesn't want to ever let go and ian wants to tell him that he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. ian's here, he's right here.

 

it's warm, and dark and nick's breathing is heavy in the silence, like he's lost it and trying to calm himself down to find it and ian feels a little helpless. wants to be of some kind of help, wants to get whatever it is weighing down upon nick off him and wants to see nick smile again. he waits paitently though, just there, pressed up against nick's fever hot body, hips under nick's long fingers and face just a hair's breadth away on the pillow.

 

"they were so beautiful and strong and," nick says when there's nothing but clock ticking and gentle puffs of breath, whispering the words into the dark, "full of dignity and treated with respect and everyone kept telling me it's _okay_."

"at body and soul?" ian prompts, and he can almost hear nick's eyes roll - where else would have nick been really? - it's a glorious almost sound.

"yeah," nick answers, "yeah. there was so many people, and some of them where born with - it. did you hear, some of them were dianogsed so early, so young. they thought they were doing to die and they were under double figures in age."

 

"it is okay nick," ian says and nick lets out a breath, long and low and it starts off the sobs. first, they're quiet and nick's fingers just shake at where they rest upon ian, but they quickly turn into chokes of breathes and shakes of his whole body and pitiful noises and ian holds him close.

 

"they were treated like normal people, like they were worth something," nick says in a voice that is so small ian has to strain to hear it and he instinctively, automatically wraps nick up so fucking tight he's a little afraid nick can't breathe. gets his arms all the way around nick and squeezes, holds nick like he'll never let go and his arms start to cramp up a little.

"babe," he says because he doesn't know what else to say and nick chokes out a little, stupid laugh, presses his nose tight into ian's neck and huffs out sobs of breaths, fingers even tighter on ian's hips, "they _are_ worth something."

 

"no one ever told me that," nick says back, and ian knows that, knows what nick's always been told because it's been everywhere, in the media, in people, in his life. and, that's so fucking not fair and it makes ian's stomach churn that people made nick think like that, got it so ingrained in him that even though he _knows_ that's not the truth, it's still what he thinks.

"they're telling you now babe," ian murmurs, says it so low he hope it slides along the curve of nick's shoulder and stays there, reminds nick when he needs to be reminded, tells him he's important and loved and nothing people have told him before is the truth.

 

"i'm glad," nick starts and he chokes up again, cries into ian's collar and ian kisses his forehead, rubs at his back soothingly, "i'm glad that they asked me to go to body and soul."

"i'm glad too," ian replies and nick looks up, although he can't see anything in the dark and slants his mouth to ian's, kisses the breath out of him, and ian tastes the salt on nick's lips, "so glad you know that now.'"

"i'm okay," nick assures and his fingers are still heavy against ian's sides but it's in a different way now and ian smiles against nick's lips, traces his own upwards to kiss away the rest of the salt from the tear stained cheeks, "sometimes you just need to be told something you always thought was a negative doesn't have to be. that it actually isn't."

 

and, well sometimes you do need to be told things are okay.

**Author's Note:**

> a/n; maybe i'm making something out of nothing, maybe i'm projecting my feelings on the matter. but there's really little chance that nick wasn't surrounded with people and media when he was younger that told him gay people got HIV and they died awful, painful deaths and that they deserved it because they were disgusting. (i am hoping it's really not the case though.) but, i was surrounded by that and i cried for hours at the significance of nick going to body & soul. 
> 
> (i remember the first book i read with a gay character; he was dying of hiv. and the author played him in a positive, strong light, but it was obvious society didn't. they thought he deserved to die because he was gay, thought the hiv was his fault and he was disgusting and his parents never spoke a single word to him after he came out. even on his death bed they took so long to deal with the phone that he died before he could talk to his mother.)
> 
> i just, i think it was so important to tell nick that hiv isn't this soul-crushing, awful thing as it's made out to be and people are still treated with love and respect if they have it. that no one deserves it.


End file.
